More on Mr. Miyagi . . . and Brené Brown (November 12, 2018)

More on Mr. Miyagi . . . Brené Brown

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Five (4)

Good Afternoon-- The past couple weekends have been special ones for me and have kept me pondering Mr. Miyagi . . . and parenting. As I had alluded to in my previous wondering, the relationship between Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso (aka "Daniel-san") is but one aspect that makes The Karate Kid a great trilogy. The significance of their relationship cannot be overstated, particularly as we watch Daniel overcome his fear and defeat his opponent, the former accomplishment being much more significant than the latter. (Here it is again (2:40)) in case you want to watch it again). It is only within the context of a deep, meaningful relationship that Daniel can respond to Mr. Miyagi's counsel. Had it not been for the relationship, Daniel would not have been able to move past his fear, and become the best version of himself. The significance of what Mr. Miyagi says in Daniel's moment of fear increases in consideration of what Mr. Miyagi doesn't say. Here is the exchange:

"Mr. Miyagi, it's over. It's over. Forget about it."

"NO!"

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I want to go home."

"Cannot, cannot, must not! It's okay to lose to an opponent, must not lose to fear!"

"Yeah, well I'm afraid. I'm afraid of him, alright. What do you want me to do?"

"HAI! Daniel-san you stay focused. You best karate still inside, now time let out!"

Mr. Miyagi did not:

• Help Daniel up.
• Agree with Daniel's self-assessment
• Reinforce Daniel's fear.
• Deter from his belief in Daniel's potential.
• Pull Daniel off the mat.

Have you had someone like Mr. Miyagi in your life?

What did they do or not do that developed a meaningful relationship with you and helped you grow/learn/excel? It is easy to find motivation from the end of sappy movie that ends with the mentor and mentee embracing in a hug. But remember this scene?

Daniel's Training (3:42)*

Could you be Mr. Miyagi in your adolescent's life? Reflect back on what you value from your "Mr. Miyagis." Do you value only the celebratory hugs? Or also the firm "training?" I am of the belief that our adolescents need both, or they won't be prepared to defeat the fear they'll encounter on their journey onward. If Mr. Miyagi isn't doing it for you, how about more from Brené Brown? Similar to Mr. Miyagi, she encourages the conquering of fear in her book Daring Greatly, a book I would highly recommend. She offers some candid advice to help us become a "Mr. Miyagi" to our adolescent. Here are but a few of the gems from her book:

When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive-it turns parenting into a shame minefield. The real questions for parents should be: "are you engaged? Are you paying attention?” If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn’t exist, and I found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.—p. 15

We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all – there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.—pp. 72-73

You can’t claim to care about the welfare of children if you’re shaming other parents for the choices they are making. Those are mutually exclusive behaviors and we create a huge values gap. Yes, most of us (myself included) have strong opinions on every one of those topics, but if we really care about the broader welfare of children, our job is to make choices that are aligned with our values and support other parents who are doing the same. Our job is also to tend to her own worthiness. When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack . . .

In fact, I’ve sworn off the good bad parenting dichotomy simply because on any given day you could file me under both good parent and bad parent, depending on your perspective and how things are going for me. I just don’t see what value the judgment frame adds to our lives or to the larger parenting conversation. In fact, it’s a shame storm waiting to happen. To me the question of parenting values is about engagement. Are we paying attention? Thinking through our choices? Open to learning and being wrong? Curious and willing to ask questions?—p. 230

Before writing the section, I spread my data all over my dining room table and asked myself this question: What do you parents experience as the most vulnerable and bravest thing that they do in their efforts to raise Wholehearted children? I thought it would take days to figure out, but as I looked over the field notes, the answer was obvious:

letting their children struggle and experience adversity.

As I travel across the country there seems to be growing concern on the part of parents and teachers that children are not learning how to handle adversity or disappointment because we’r e always rescuing and protecting them. What’s interesting is that more often than not, I hear this concern from the same parents who are chronically intervening, rescuing, and protecting. It’s not that our children can’t stand the vulnerability of handling their own situations, it’s that we can’t stand the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, even when we know it’s the right thing to do.—p. 238 (my emphasis added).

A couple weekends ago, I was able to spend a weekend with one of my "Mr. Miyagis," as my father and I went to Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, NE to watch our beloved Huskers get their first victory of the season, taking down the Gophers of Minnesota. The last time I was at a Husker game with my dad, I was 10-years-old. We were able to spend the entire day together. The following weekend, I was able to take my oldest two sons back to the farm and help my dad harvest. Sitting next to Dad watching the Huskers take the field, or squeezing three generations into the cab of combine on a beautiful late October day is about as good as it gets; but equally important are the times my father provided training, let me deal with my fear, challenged me, and held high expectations of me. If he hadn't, I doubt the delicate times of Husker watching and corn picking would be as treasured. Let's equip our adolescents to defeat fear by providing both. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120) * The Karate Kid is rated PG, but this scene has some colorful language.

 

Being Perfect & The Exception to the "Sequel" Rule (October 16, 2018)

Being Perfect & The Exception to the "Sequel" Rule

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Four (4.2)

Good Afternoon-

This past Sunday, my older brother sent me and my sister the following text message:

​Had to choose between buying grumpy old men or grumpier old men.  Went with the second, for now.  Good decision?

I responded in the affirmative, as Grumpier Old Men is one of three* exceptions to the "sequel rule," (i.e. a film's sequel is never as good as it's original).

Before detailing further into the other exception, I wanted share about an interesting article I read about student anxiety. Student/adolescent anxiety is a growing concern (as evidenced by the fact the article was written in 2014). The article sheds light on one (of the many) reasons student/adolescent anxiety is increasing:

Anxiety can come from perfectionism. Perfectionists see mistakes as proof they are unworthy. Fear of failure may cause them to avoid a task entirely.  

Onto the other exception . . . Let me provide three hints to one of my all-time favorite films, watched enough times growing up to have the whole film memorized. See if you can guess it.

1. ​As previously stated, this movie is an exception to the "sequel rule."

2. I was born in 1983.  (Does that make me a millennial?)  

3. This movie is part two of a trilogy.

Any guesses? Here's a fourth hint:

        

        4. The original film in this trilogy is where the cult-classic quote, "Wax on . . . wax off" originates.

I will save my arguments for why The Karate Kid II is the exception to the “sequel rule" for another time and turn instead to The Karate Kid III. Did you even know there was a third rendition of the film? I am not referencing The Next Karate Kid (bad), nor the 2010 remake with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (not as bad), but The Karate Kid III . . . as in part 3. I readily admit, The Karate Kid III is a horrible film, except for: 1)-the music, which is done by the same guy in all three films (Bill Conti, who is the same guy who composed the music in Rocky among many others); 2)-the mentor/mentee relationship between the main two characters; and 3)-the end, which not only consolidates points one and two, but offers wisdom applicable to the current discussion on perfectionism and anxiety. Here is the clip (disclaimer: the film is rated PG, but one colorful four letter word shows up in this scene four times):

The Karate Kid III end scene (2:40)

What Mr. Miyagi tells Daniel in his most stressful/painful moment is the same thing we need to tell our adolescents:

It’s okay to lose to an opponent.  You must not lose to fear.

The fear Mr. Miyagi is referencing is the same fear the article referenced above, which keeps (anxious) teens from engaging in tasks for fear they might fail.  This fearful non engagement is unhealthy for many reasons, but fundamentally, it keeps us from learning/growing. Here is what Seth Godin says about learning (i.e. failing) in this video clip (0:58):

The difficulty comes if you are not open with the tension of being stupid, you can’t possibly learn.

While not addressing it directly, I think Godin’s “not open[ness]” is fueled by the same fear of failure Mr. Miyagi is coaxing Daniel to defeat.

If Mr. Miyagi and Mr. Godin are not convincing enough, perhaps best-selling author Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey discussing the dangers of perfectionism (and its contradiction to the genuine pursuit of excellence) will sway you.

Brene Brown & Oprah on Perfectionism (4:49)

Let’s help our students defeat fear, embrace uncertainty, pursue excellence and abstain from being . . . perfect.

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712)722-3783 (x2120)

*The last exception has always been presented to me as fact, which I have never found contentious since the ​Godfather ​films (​The Godfather:  Part II ​​> ​​The Godfather​) were a little before my time. Karate Kid III.  Did you even know there was a third rendition of the film? 

Why Do They Act that Way? (October 8, 2018)

Why Do They Act that Way?  ​

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Three (4.3)

Good Afternoon-

For reasons I do not fully understand, I have a somewhat compulsive obsession with lists/ratings . . . not David Letterman's or anyone else's for that my matter, but my own.  For example, my friends are reminded often of our (my) "Top 5" weekends/trips/memories/experiences.  Most of these reminders come in the days leading up to another excursion/adventure/event, prompting inquisitorial predictions if the preceding activity will crack the "Top 5."  These lists serve no greater utility other than my own amusement and/or mental (dis)orderliness (e.g. I have a top ten list of songs by my favorite music group, the Goo Goo Dolls.  Here's # 3, # 2, and # 1).  Perhaps my lists are a result of my preference of numeracy in my ongoing pursuit of objective truth; or, perhaps I am a bit crazy.  My intent in (over)sharing all of this is to contextualize the following:

​​Why Do They Act That Way ​​​by David Walsh, PhD is in my all-time top 5 list of books.

In conjunction with a graduate class studying the adolescent brain, I read Dr. Walsh's book this summer.  Aside from the personal waffling above, there is not a strong enough endorsement of the book available.  You should all add it to your "to read" lists.  Or,

​come to Parent Academy tonight from 6:00-8:00.

I will be presenting on Dr. Walsh's book in addition to some other things I learned this summer about your adolescent's brain.  If you will not do the former, I hope it is preference to the latter.  If you chose neither, hopefully the following sample of excerpts from Dr. Walsh's book will result in your choosing one (my hope is the latter!).  Here are but a few of Dr. Walsh's nuggets:

The combination of a developing prefrontal cortex and raging hormones presents some of the biggest challenges in parenting. While we need to expect and tolerate some trying behavior from our teenage sons and daughters, we also need to provide the structure and discipline they need to keep their behavior from becoming destructive to the family, themselves, and others. —pp. 72-73 

Communicating with adolescents require a judicious balance.  If you jump down your teen’s throat every time she raises her voice, you’ll have a constant battle on your hands or, worse yet, you’ll effectively cut off communication altogether.  As parents, we need to let our kids have an outlet for their anger, up to a point. . . . We also need to let our adolescent know that they step over an important line when they swear or throw and break things.  We have to make it clear that we will not accept those behaviors.  The first step in preventing out-of-control behavior in our teens is modeling. –pp.88-89 

'I worked so hard to shield my daughter from stress that I did everything for her.  It almost became an obsession.  The worst part is that the more I protected her, the more anxious she seemed about even the smallest things.  By the time she got to middle school, we were both a wreck.' –p. 97

Young people need some stress to exercise their psychological muscles for resilience, stamina, perseverance, confidence, self-reliance, and diligence.  It’s okay for kids to feel bad sometimes.  Each time they recover from appropriate levels of stress, they get stronger and more responsive. . . .  As a result, many parents developed an allergic reaction to their kids’ unhappiness.  There is nothing wrong with being happy, but learning how to meet life’s challenges and disappointments is part of the important work of growing up. –pp. 98-99

Likewise, the Commission on Children at Risk, a group of prominent doctors, research scientists, and youth-serving professionals, named a lack of connectedness as a major contributor to deteriorating behavioral and mental health among youth in the United States.  Just because we know that connection is important for teens doesn’t mean that it is easy to cultivate it.  Though teens tell researchers that they want close relationships with their parents and rely on them for support, this comes as a great surprise to many of their parents.  It is normal for an adolescent to ask for a divorce from the family.  They are reluctant to go places or do things with their families.  They complain that they don’t have enough time with their friends.  But even though they’re asking, sometimes even screaming for a divorce, don’t give it to them. –p. 271

I hope to see many of you tonight!  Perhaps after, we can compare our “Top 10” book lists!

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712) 722-3783 (x2120)

 

Debating the Generations (October 5, 2018)

Debating the Generations  ​

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Two (4)

Good Afternoon--

Earlier this week, I shared breakfast with three friends, something we have done with some measure of regularity for over nine years.  Our friendships date back to our college years (~15 years ago) and our breakfast routine was initiated as a time to invest in one another in a way that extends beyond the normal "young" male social vernacular (i.e. trivial/inconsequential matters (e.g. football, fantasy or otherwise)).  When we started our breakfast gatherings, much of our dialogue focused on the transition from the college years to the "real" world.  As jobs have changed and as children have been born (the four of us are the proud fathers of fifteen children), our dialogue shifted toward parenting and vocations.  As we have continued to age, a regular topic of our conversations has been on the differences between generations.  One of my good friends is in human resources and references the challenges employing the "younger" generation (i.e. millennials).  Another friend is a college coach, and references similar challenges coaching the younger generation.  The other two of us are educators and are able to add to the challenges of the next generation.  I like to take a strong stand that I am NOT a millennial, but am a very young "Gen-X-er" (or whichever generation came before the millennials, which varies depending on which source you cite).  My friends are eager to debate me, and I'm not sure (even after 9 years) if that's because they genuinely disagree with me or just like arguing with me!  Regardless of where you draw the lines around different generations or where you fall within those lines, I suspect we could all agree:

​smartphones and/or screens are having a profound influence on the next generations.

Because of this, and because I have the joy of spending 40-50 hours a week with the next generations, I have invested time and energy into learning more about the effects our kids' devices are having. Here are a few resources I thought were worth sharing:

I have learned a great deal from Simon Sinek.  Below is a video of him speaking about millennials in general but the effects of devices in particular.

​Simon Sinek and the effects of devices (millennials) (11:25)

The Atlantic asked a thought provoking question last year when it wrote, Has the Smartphone Destroyed a Generation (~20 minute read).  

​If you were going to give advice for a happy adolescence based on this survey, it would be straightforward:  Put down the phone, turn off the laptop, and do something-anything-that does not involve a screen.

Another valuable resource is Walt Mueller's ​Center for Parent and Youth Understanding​.*  In the link below, he offers a helpful infographic, along with some suggestions on how to use devices in a healthy way.

​Kids and Smartphone Addiction (~3 minute read)

This TED talk video has been on my list to share for quite some time.  I am sharing it, in part, because it is becoming "old" in relation to other material of the same subject matter as Sherry Turkle gave this talk over six years ago.

​Connected, but alone (19:42)

As a father and educator, I believe the efforts of my generation are to work to ensure we are outdone by the generations to come.  As these resources allude to, we have work to do!

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712)722-3783 (x2120)

*Walt Mueller is a youth pastor and CPYU is an explicitly Christian resource. While his worldview aligns with mine, I don’t presume it aligns with yours and believe his resource offers substantive content for all parents, Christian or otherwise.

Knowing & Being Known (September 21, 2018)

Knowing & Being Known  ​

Willits's Weekly Wonderings One (4.3)

Good Afternoon-- 

A quick introduction to those of you receiving this email for the first time:  For the few last years, as an impetus to facilitate my own professional growth and heighten my connection to you, I strive to communicate via a “weekly” email, which reads more like a blog post (“Convert emails to blog” remains unchecked on my “summer to-do” list).  In an effort to be phonetically creative, I call my emails "Willits's Weekly Wonderings," (aka  as they are not much more than my own pontifications (i.e. personal/professional things I wonder/think about), and will be disclaimed as such accordingly. 

 

Taped to the outside of my door is a sign that reads, “I 💙  being a school counselor because . . .of new school years!”  Each new school year initiates a commitment to make this year better than last year--an opportunity to grow, learn, and improve.  I am grateful to be in an occupation that cycles, offering an annual motive for renewal.  Each year, I (re)commit to "rhythms" (i.e. goals).  I'm learning, one of the most valuable things I do is really a rather simple one--

 

Knowing every student's name and calling them by their name every time I see them.

 

​The value of this minor thing is reiterated each time I call a new 5th grader by their (correct) name.  On a deeper level, I believe in the 

 

​power of knowing and being known​

 

and believe by calling each middle school student I see by their name, what I am communicating, albeit indirectly and subtlety, is:

 

You are known; You are cared for; You are valued.​

 

A former colleague and close friend of mine ascribes to the core belief that knowing implicates caring--meaning your capacity to care for someone/something is dependent in part by the depth of your knowledge of that someone/something; and the more you know, the more you are able to care.  I have grown to ascribe to the same belief.  Of course your student's name is the first, smallest thing I hope to learn about them, but I hope it initiates an opportunity to learn more about them and as I learn more, I am able to care more. 

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712)722-3783 (x2120)