Semisonic Said it Best (June 5, 2019)

Semisonic Said it Best

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Twelve (4)

For those of you who read my wonderings regularly, you know I often reference movies, and when I am not referencing movies, I am often referencing music. This wondering, perhaps my last (if only for this school year), will be no different. While Semisonic may not have been the first to say it, they may have said it best, when they sang "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end . . ." This school year was my last as a middle school counselor, as next year, I will be (the second) high school counselor working alongside Mrs. Julie Oldenkamp. While I am excited for the new beginning of high school, I am reluctant for this beginning to end. There are still many things on my list I've been wanting to share with you! Did you know that your teen is able to track where their friends are with a (very common feature) of Snap Chat? How Teens Track Each Other on Snap Map-Screenagers (~6 minute read) Am I the only one who remembers shooting baskets in the driveway (or doing some other activity all by oneself) as a "lonely" adolescent with the sinking feeling "everyone" else was together doing something fun? I would suspect many of us had FOMO (i.e. Fear Of Missing Out) before it was a thing and I would further suspect social media in general and features like Snap Map in particular do little more than exasperate these feelings. Before I turned 16, the only way to find out where your friends were and what they were doing was to ride your bike all over town (thankfully Osceola, Nebraska was a small town-population 979!). I wonder which is a better option for our students to "track" their friends. While we're on the subject of devices, here is another good (~6 minute) read from Screenagers advocating for meaningful rules around screen time. Creating Consequences, Hard but Necessary

In the time I spend teaching middle school students, I reference their brain development (or lack thereof!). Here is a great read (~8 minutes) talking more about the adolescent brain, which includes a specific "do" and "don't" list: The Teenage Brain: Risky or Ready to Learn?

Back to screens (i.e. phones), I'm not sure if I've said this directly to you, but I have said it repeatedly to your students. I am longing for a day when it is illegal for a student to have a cell phone in the way it is illegal for them to have tobacco and/or alcohol (i.e. restricted by age). I also want social media to die. Simon Sinek sums it up nicely in the following video. This is Why You Should Put Your Phone Down (3:35)

In the video, Simon references a study using mice. This reminded me of another study using mice with implications for our middle school students. Before passing on the source, I've said previously, the single most important thing you can do to promote your adolescent's success and health is ensure they . . . SLEEP! If you've got twenty-two minutes, here is a great podcast reiterating the importance of sleep (in part by referencing a study with mice). Sleep & Learning I'm looking forward to more conversations with high school students about their careers. Mike Rowe offers some advice for me (and you) when he details a conversation he had with his high school guidance counselor in the 80s. His career advice is worth considering. I deplore debt, and do all I can to avoid it. I would rather live in a tent and eat beans than borrow money to pay for a lifestyle I can't afford. (5:46) Speaking of jobs available with less than a 4-year-degree, here is another (~6 minute) read advocating for similar career consideration as Mr. Rowe. Big Money, No Debt!

I'm down to the final (two) things on my list of things to share and I have saved the best for last. Let's talk about sex! Well, perhaps you wouldn't want to talk to me about sex, but according to Dr. Walsh, our talking about sex with our teenagers needs to extend beyond "the" talk, to not only many talks about sex, but also talks about relationships. Read more here: The Talk 70% of Teens Wish Adults Would Have with Them

In my opinion, any talk about sex today must include talk about pornography. I would guess well OVER 70% of teens (and men) have and/or are regularly viewing pornography (the ease of access because of their smartphones is one of the reasons I make the advocacy above). At the end off 2018, Fight the New Drug put out some alarmingly sobering statistics about pornography. 2018 Year in Review

I hope I have not overwhelmed you with hyperlinks (is anyone still reading?!?). That concludes the list of items I thought worthy of sharing this school year. Now, back to Semisonic . . . This morning, while I was cleaning out my office, I was reflecting on the eight school years I have served at the Sioux Center Middle School. I have learned so much and will miss the work I was called to here at the middle school. I look forward to serving your student when they are in high school. Here's to new beginnings . . . I've loved being your student's school counselor. If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120)

Marian Robert Morrison-My Favorite Actor (April 3, 2019)

Marian Robert Morrison-My Favorite Actor

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Eleven (4)

Before sharing more about my favorite actor and his most prized role, did you know I was a TV star?  Well, perhaps “star” is too strong of a word, but I DID appear on national television, during prime time . . . for about seven seconds.  The year was 1992. I, nine-years-old at the time, was featured during a commercial break of TBS’s “10 Days of the Duke.” My favorite actor is “The Duke,” a.k.a. John Wayne (born “Marion Robert Morrison” in Winterset, Iowa).  Unfortunately, my attempts to locate a YouTube video of my seven seconds of fame proved futile.

If you were to pick one attribute to endow, teach, or instill in your children, which would you pick:  happiness, compassion, gratitude? Perhaps one of my favorite John Wayne films, for which he won the 1970 Oscar for best actor, might provide some insight.  The character was Rooster Cogburn and the film was

True Grit (2:41) 

Perhaps advocating for our students to be like Rooster Cogburn, a gun-wielding, whiskey guzzling cowboy sheriff is a bit of a stretch.  But what of the attribute for which the movie is titled?

What is grit?  How important is it for our students?

Every time I ponder "grit," I think of this scene from another one of my favorite films:

WILL YOU EVER QUIT (1:05) 

In effort to explore the aforementioned questions (and to see what I could learn from books instead of movies), I read  Grit:  The Power of Passion and Purpose by Angela Duckworth.  It was an insightful read to say the least.  Here are some excerpts worth highlighting, particularly those relating to how we might instill grit in our students:

“The context was that my dad knew me. He knew all I wanted to do was sprint home, and he knew that if he let me do that, it would be letting me give in to my fears.” 

“It was a loving act,”Steve concluded. It was tough, but it was loving.” 

But it's a fine line between tough love and bullying isn't it? What's the difference? 

“I knew the decision was mine,” Steve said.  “And I knew my dad didn't want me to be him. Number one, a parent needs to set a stage that proves to the child, 'I'm not trying to just have you do what I say, control you, make you be like me, make you do what I did, ask you to make up for what I didn't do.'  My dad showed me earlier that it wasn't about him and what he needed. It truly was ‘I'm giving you all I got.’ 

“There was an underlying selflessness to the tough love,” Steve continued. “I think that's vital. If any of the tough love is about the parent just trying to control you, well, kids smell it out. In every way possible, I knew my parents were saying,  ‘ We are looking to see your success. We've left ourselves behind.’”-p. 207 (my emphasis added)

There are countless research studies showing that kids who are more involved in extracurriculars fare better on just about every conceivable metric--they earn better grades, have higher self-esteem, are less likely to get in trouble and so forth. A handful of these studies are longitudinal, meaning that researchers waited to see what happened to kids later in life. These longer-term studies come to the same conclusion: more participation in activities predicts better outcomes. * *

The same research clearly indicates that overdosing on extracurriculars is pretty rare. These days, the average American teenager report spending more than 3 hours a day watching television and playing video games. Additional time is drained away checking social media feeds, texting friends links to cat videos, and tracking the Kardashians as they figure out which outfit to wear--which makes it hard to argue that time can't be spared for the chess club or the school play, or just about any other structured, skill focused, adult guided activity.-p. 225

If we can't be Einstein, is it worth studying physics? If we can't be Usain Bolt, should we go for a run this morning? Is there any point in trying to run a little faster or longer than we did yesterday? In my view, these are absurd questions. If my daughter says to me, “Mom, I shouldn’t practice my piano today because I'll never be Mozart,” I'll say in reply, “ You're not practicing piano to be Mozart.”  

We all face limits-- not just in talent, but in opportunity. But more often than we think, our limits are self-imposed ***. We try, fail, and conclude we have bumped our heads against the ceiling of possibility. Or maybe after taking just a few steps we change direction. In either case, we never venture as far as we might have. 

To be gritty is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To be gritty is to hold fast to an interesting and purposeful goal. To be gritty is to invest, day after week after year, in challenging practice. To be gritty is to fall down seven times, rise eight.-p. 275 (my emphasis added)

In an effort to increase your "to read book" list as much as I have been increasing your "to watch movie" list, let me recommend another book,  How Children Succeed:  Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Tough.  Here is a gem from his book:

As [our son] grew older, though, I found, as countless parents had found before me, that he needed something more than love and hugs.  He also needed discipline, rules, limits; someone to say no.  And what he  needed more than anything was some child-size adversity, a chance to fall down and get back up on his own, without help.  

This was harder for Paula and me—it came less naturally to us than the 

hugging and comforting—and I know that it is just the beginning of the long 

struggle we will face, as all parents do, between our urge to provide 

everything for our child, to protect him from all harm, and our knowledge that  if we really want him to succeed, we need to first let him fail.  Or more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure. —pp. 182-183 (my emphasis added).

An article from my professional school counseling journal had the same name (i.e. True Grit, although it didn’t reference John Wayne as a source of inspiration) by Dr. Sarah Van’t Hof. In the article, Dr. Van’t Hof outlines resilience; growth versus fixed mindset; learned optimism; resilience and motivation; and implications for school counselors.  She writes:

"Bottom-line, children and teens have to experience challenges to reflect upon and learn from them."

Duckworth’s book, Tough's book, and Van’t Hof’s article emphasize the importance of grit.  The challenge for us as parents, educators, coaches, etc. is to allow (encourage?) our students to experience challenges and fall down (one less time than they rise).  Doing so would make them more like my favorite actor. While we might not want our kids jumping on horseback brandishing six-shooters, fostering the growth of their grit is a great way to foster their future success.

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits 

5-8 School Counselor 

(712)722-3783 (x2120)

**this sounds similar to the advice I received from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  There is value in your participation/practice, even if you don't make it to the NBA or become Mozart.

***Which I would contend is due to the fear Mr. Miyagi encouraged us to defeat and/or the stories we tell ourselves, which Will Smith's  After Earth character tried to help us defeat. 

What I Learned from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (March 14, 2019)

What I learned from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Ten (4)

In addition to being the school counselor for our 436 middle school students, I have the privilege of being the coach of many 7th and 8th grade student/athletes, as I coach the 7th grade boys basketball team before Christmas; the 8th grade girls basketball team after Christmas; 7th and 8th grade boys and girls in track (we have over a hundred athletes signed up!); and 7th and 8th grade boys in baseball in the summertime. Something your student has heard me say if they've ever been coached by me is: I love sports; I wish we cared less about them. Sports, I believe, are meant to serve as fertile training ground for the things in life much, much more important than sports--things like relationships, marriages, parenthood, vocations, callings, and families, to name a few. We do it wrong when we idolize sports above these things. I also believe the high value we place on sports robs many students of the benefits offered to them by the sport, which are instead only reaped by those deemed "good enough." This was something reiterated to me this past summer by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is one of the most successful basketball players in the history of the NBA. He still ranks first in career points scored. This summer, he was the keynote speaker at the annual American School Counselor's Association conference in Los Angeles, California, which I was able to attend thanks to the support of our awesome school district. The conference didn't quite meet my expectations . . . neither did Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's keynote, but those points are for another discussion. He did offer a gem that made me think of you. During his speech (which really wasn't a speech as much as it was an interview), he was asked what we, as educators, should tell those young aspiring athletes who believe they are destined to be in the NBA. Mr. Abdul-Jabbar said (I'm paraphrasing) "There is value in your participation in basketball, even if it doesn't lead you to the NBA." He went onto elaborate all he learned by playing basketball for so many years, which he cited as more valuable than the millions of dollars and/or fame he achieved. He talked at length about the value of participating on a team and the willingness to sacrifice personal desires for the good of a group. This is without mentioning the physical, and thereby physiological, and thereby psychological, and thereby emotional, and thereby social benefits of the physical activity offered by participation in sports, even if you have zero chance of making it to the NBA . . . or earning a college scholarship . . . or winning a state championship . . . or being on the varsity . . . or being on the "A" team. (If they could condense the benefits of regular exercise into a pill (i.e. medicine), it would be the most prescribed medicine in the world!) There is value in your participation! I would further advocate for participation in a variety of activities. As I reflect upon my own school experience, one of the things I am most thankful for is the opportunity I had to participate in multiple activities. It's been years since I've played my trombone or sang tenor in a four-part choir. All the time I spent practicing and playing did not result in my becoming a professional, nor did it result in a college scholarship. But I believe the experience I had making music enhances my life now, as it trained my creative skills, my thinking skills, my collaborative skills, my relational skills, and my "appreciation for music/art" skills (if that's a thing), in addition to time management skills and prioritizing skills. I believe all these skills enhance my ability to be a school counselor, and subsequently earn a living, but of even greater value is the way these skills enhance my life! For example, I cannot watch this video (5:53) without crying. Speaking of crying, yesterday morning, I had the opportunity to listen to our high school and middle school show choirs. Have you seen them? They were amazing! Truth be told, watching those high school students, whose stories I know from our time together in middle school, dance . . . sing . . . create . . . and make music causes in me an emotional stirring similar to the video above. I know some of them have had to overcome and/or are overcoming many obstacles by participating. I believe their participation, similar to mine, will enhance their future in meaningful ways, which is the same thing I tell the athletes I coach. And then later in the day, I read this CPYU** blog post (~3 minute read) and this handout titled Teen Suicide: Warning Signs and Cries for Help (~6 minute read). Unfortunately, the lives of far too many adolescents aren't all fun and games. I believe one of best things we can do for adolescents is make them feel a part of something . . . a team (even if it's the "C" team) . . . a band (even if you're 4th chair) . . . or a choir (even if you never get to sing the solo) and then work to try to do something great together. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120) **Walt Mueller is a youth pastor and CPYU is an explicitly Christian resource. While his worldview aligns with mine, I don’t presume it aligns with yours and believe his resource offers substantive content for all parents, Christian or otherwise

Fear (March 8, 2019)

Fear

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Nine (4)

What is fear? Why does it matter?

In my former role as a high school science teacher, I would ask my students for abbreviated definitions of complex concepts as a method of formative assessment (i.e. a check for understanding). It seemed like the more simple we made the definition, the deeper our understanding. This led me to ask my class, "In one word, describe/define . . ."** If we were to attempt to generate a similar understanding of school, what would we determine? In one word, what is the goal of school? While a variety of answers would be accurate and accepted (if you were students in my classroom), I am of the belief the goal of school is to learn. Unfortunately, one other word often inhibits that goal, not only in school, but also in life. Let's talk more about fear. Later in this email, I'll link a (longer than I'd prefer) video that addresses fear directly and it's potency to negatively affect our learning. But first, as has been a common practice in many of my "weekly" emails, let's find some examples from movies. I may be undermining the value of this discussion with the movie I am about to reference, because, it is bad. But, just like there is immense value in The Karate Kid III (because of the ending, the development of the relationship of Mr. Miyagi and Daniel-San, and the music) even though overall, it's a terrible film, there is also value in the Will Smith box office bomb After Earth. To be clear, this movie is bad, except for the preceding one minute clip on our current topic. Let me contextualize the clip. The movie takes place 1,000 years in the future on Earth, which has been overtaken by alien creatures that are able to attack humans by "seeing" their fear. A select few humans (Will Smith's character being one of them) are able to "ghost" by hiding their fear in a way that makes them invisible to the alien creatures. Will Smith is delivering this speech to his son, who has yet to develop the skill of ghosting. After Earth scene (1:03)

Fear is not real.

The only place fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. . . . Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real. But fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story . . .

The second movie is a much better movie, and offers a different perspective of a fearless character.

Bridge of Spies (2:34) In the face of fear, or rather in the absence of it, our fearless example responds to an inquisition of fear with, "Would it help?" While the protagonist in the second film is very different from the first, I think he is employing the first's ideology by identifying fear as, first and foremost, a choice. In his circumstances (deemed dire by his associate), fear proves unhelpful and therefore evaded. Let us turn now to our last (and longest) video, which tackles fear directly in its influence on learning. For those unable to listen to the full video now, let me highlight some excerpts applicable to our current discussion. Overcoming Fear (22:36)

"Fear is the number one enemy of learning." "Every single day, our fear is robbing us of experiences, actions, and reps, and opportunities that can help us grow and get better." "When has fear robbed you . . .?" "Sometimes when we feel that fear, we come up with stories to justify our actions . . ." " 'When you try to fight [fear], you are giving it more power.' " "The goal isn't to get rid of fear. It's to use it, instead of it using us." The research clearly shows that the best way to deal with fear is not to suppress it or get rid of it; it's to accept it, own it, and reframe it." Interwoven in all three of these different examples of fear is another significant theme--stories, the most important of which are often the ones we tell ourselves. Two questions are worthy to ponder, and if you are really brave, ask your adolescent (or even braver still, ask yourself!) next time you experience adversity: What are you afraid of? What story are you telling yourself? Perhaps we can reframe our answers in alignment with our two protagonists in our efforts to grow, achieve and . . . learn. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120) **As an aside, I've curiously pondered a similar phenomena in music, as some of the best (or at least my favorite) songs have short, often one word titles. This has left me wondering if the shorter the title, the better the song. Here are but a few examples from a variety of genres: great song with one word title; another great song with a one word title; still another great song with a one word title;

Rhythms in the New Year 2019 (January 8, 2019)

Rhythms in the New Year 2019

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Eight (4)

Happy New Year! Albeit eight days late, this is the first I have greeted you this year in my "weekly" emails. Each year, in place of new year's "resolutions," I (re)commit to rhythms I know will prompt growth, health, and wholeness in the year to come. Instead of sharing with you my rhythms, let me offer some suggestions from the Center for Parent and Youth Understanding*. While these are recommendations for the start of a new school year, they are worthy of consideration for the start of a calendar year, too. Parents, a New School Year, Extra-Curricular Busyness, and Prioritizing . . . (~3 minute read) One of my professional "rhythms" is watching one TED talk each week. The video I watched this week is worthy of sharing: Collin Kartchner (17:32)

Our kid's entire self-worth at 13 is determined by virtual unpredictable feedback, the validation that we all crave, to them is only available in this synthetic way. Their social standing and their self-esteem is determined by a "like" on an Instagram photo. And one mistake, one tiny gaffe, that we all made as 13-year-olds every day, that when we were kids was forgotten in an hour, is now publicly housed on the school snapchat page. When you're 13 today, there is no place to run. There's no escape and it is soul-crushing.

We, as adults, and as parents, we have to break free from our screen dependency and our social-media addiction. We have to start modeling healthy digital behavior for

our kids, who don't hear us; they see us.

Mr. Kartchner's words are heavy. Here are some other ideas/talking points to hopefully work toward a meaningful response to the video. Dr. Delany Ruston, and her "screenagers" website offer many helpful tools, like this one, that focuses on parent/adult behavior: Hold That Text. (~5 minute read) Or this one, which offers Tips from Teens on Reducing Screen Time. (~5 minute read) And lastly, this one, which offers Big List of Screen Time Monitoring Apps. (~5 minute read) Perhaps subscribing to their blog (or CPYU's) and sharing regular, meaningful conversations with your adolescent could be a rhythm that keeps both you and your adolescent healthier in the (new) year. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120) *Walt Mueller is a youth pastor and CPYU is an explicitly Christian resource. While his worldview aligns with mine, I don’t presume it aligns with yours and believe his resource offers substantive content for all parents, Christian or otherwise.

Things You Don't Want to Hear from an Emergency Room Nurse (December 14, 2018)

Things you Don't Want to Hear from an Emergency Room Nurse

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Seven (4)

One of the things I like most about being a school counselor is initiating discussions with 8th grade students about what they want to do "when they grow up," (I admonish them to not feel any pressure to know so young, as I confess that I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up!). Recently, I had a colleague share a story with me that increased my concern for the vocational future of our students. My colleague was having severe pain and ended up in the emergency room. Being the great educator that they are, their pain did not inhibit them from engaging in a conversation with the nurse providing their direct care. After learning where the nurse grew up, attended school, and studied to become a nurse, my colleague heard her emergency room nurse profess: "I don't really want to be a nurse. I just need something to do to pay back my student loans." I'm not sure the nurse's confession would top my list of things I'd prefer not to hear in an emergency room ("Hold still, this is going to hurt;" "Hopefully, this will stop the bleeding;"), but it certainly would crack the top ten. Am I wrong to wish our student's future occupations provide something more than the capacity to pay off debt? What about you? What do you most want for your student's post-secondary future? Last wondering, I referenced challenging statistics for Iowa students: 90% graduate high school; 71% enroll in post-secondary education; 43-47% complete post-secondary credential I write these statistics on the board almost every day in my class with 8th grade students. My hope is our Sioux Center graduates would be included in the 43%-47% of students that finish, or even better, contribute to raising that percentage. According to at least one person, I am not the ideal person to be providing career advice to students, and my deficiency is contributing to a pending workforce crisis! Letter to America: We Need Technicians (~3 minute read)

I agree with Dr. Clark . . . not the part about me sucking at my job . . . the part about needing more technicians. Here are some numbers (2015) specific to Iowa to reiterate Dr. Clark's advocacy for not only technicians, but other jobs with "middle level" training: 15% of jobs require low-skill training 54% of jobs require middle-skill training 30% of jobs require high-skill training To be clear, "low-skill training" would be a high school diploma and/or on-the-job training; "middle-skill training" would be something beyond high school (e.g. technical degree, Associate's degree, certification, etc.); "high-skill training" would be a Bachelor's Degree or higher. Student debt is another factor that should cause us to pause in our habitual advocacy for a four-year college. As you have hopefully read at the bottom of each of my wonderings, I love my job and I would not be able to do my job without my bachelor's degree, but I'm still paying for it and I received twelve years ago (to the day, coincidentally). My student debt remains at $14,875.07 (thankfully, my wife's is only $8,457.93!). According to some estimates, student tuition has increased 213% and 129% (for public four-year institutions and private nonprofit four-year institutions respectively) in the last 30 years. I think our traditional default recommendation to our students has been a four-year institution. Due to the fact that 46% of students finish, 56% of jobs don't require it, and student debt may not be worth it, I think we want to start making new traditions and deter from a "one-size fits all" recommendation of a four-year institution. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you would like me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120)

Did David have Dyslexia? (November 19,2018)

Did David have Dyslexia

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Six (4.3)

Would you wish your student has dyslexia? Would having dyslexia increase the likelihood they finish college? Let me try to connect some dots . . . Each school year, I ask every 8th grader what they are planning on doing after high school (completion). I am happy to report, the strong majority of them say, "college." This is a good thing, as there are many good reasons to go to college. I went on to discuss my desire for them ​to not just ​go ​to college, but ​finish​ college. Doing so would put them in the minority. According to a study conducted by the Iowa School Counselor’s Association: 90% of Iowa students graduate high school; 71% enroll in postsecondary education; 43-47% complete postsecondary credential I have little doubt there are a number of mitigating circumstances that cause a strong majority of students to ​quit before they graduate. I wonder where, "This is too hard/I’m not prepared" would fall on the list of reasons for failure. I fear, too high. I believe the challenge has less to do with academics and more to do with . . . something else. According to one principal's report, colleges are referring to current students as "teacups," students who appear externally beautiful but are likely to chip/break when subjected to (everyday) stress/challenge. How do we appropriately prepare our students for the challenges, be it college or otherwise, in their future? Or do we do all we can to ensure our students' futures are challenge-less? Malcolm Gladwell, in his book David & Goliath, explores the relationships between the advantaged and the disadvantaged, exploring when the latter might become the former; or, can having a “disadvantage” be advantageous? Gladwell gives specific consideration to dyslexia. Here are a couple excerpts from the book:

Can dyslexia turn out to be a desirable difficulty? It is hard to believe that it can, given how many people struggle with the disorder throughout their lives—except for a strange fact. An extraordinary high number of successful entrepreneurs are dyslexic. A recent study by Julie Logan at City University London puts the number somewhere around a third. The list includes many of the most famous innovators of the past few decades. Richard Branson, the British billionaire entrepreneur, is dyslexic. Charles Schwab, the founder of the discount brokerage that bears his name, is dyslexic, as are the cell phone pioneer Craig McGaw; David Neeleman, the founder of JetBlue; John Chambers, the CEO of the technology giant Cisco; Paul Orfalea, the found of Kinko’s—to name just a few. The neuroscientist Sharon Thompson-Schill remembers speaking at a meeting of prominent university donors—virtually all of them successful business people—and on a whim asking how many of them had ever been diagnosed with a learning disorder. “Half the hands went up,” she said. “It was unbelievable.”

There are two possible interpretations for this fact. One is that this remarkable group of people triumphed in spite of their disability: they are so smart and so creative that nothing—not even a lifetime of struggling with reading—could stop them. The second, more intriguing, possibility is that they succeeded, in part, because of their disorder—that they learned something in their struggle that proved to be of enormous advantage. Would you wish dyslexia on your child? If the second of these possibilities is true, you just might.—pp. 106-107 (my emphasis added).

Another excerpt quotes Gary Cohn:

“My upbringing allowed me to comfortable with failure,” he said. “The one trait in a lot of dyslexic people I know is that by the time we get out of college, our ability to deal with failure was very highly developed. And so we look at most situations and see much more of the upside than the downside. Because we’re so accustomed to the downside. It doesn’t faze us. I’ve thought about it many times, I really have, because it defined who I am.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without my dyslexia. I never would have taken that first chance.”—p. 123

I wonder how many of us can look in the rear view mirror of our own lives and give testimony to the challenges, adversity, and struggles evident in shaping our current standing. On this (hindsight) side of those struggles, would we undo them? What about the challenges, adversity, and struggles of our students? Ought we to wish them away? Or leverage the disadvantages to become advantages while we overcome our failures in pursuit of something more? I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712) 722-3783 (x2120)

More on Mr. Miyagi . . . and Brené Brown (November 12, 2018)

More on Mr. Miyagi . . . Brené Brown

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Five (4)

Good Afternoon-- The past couple weekends have been special ones for me and have kept me pondering Mr. Miyagi . . . and parenting. As I had alluded to in my previous wondering, the relationship between Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso (aka "Daniel-san") is but one aspect that makes The Karate Kid a great trilogy. The significance of their relationship cannot be overstated, particularly as we watch Daniel overcome his fear and defeat his opponent, the former accomplishment being much more significant than the latter. (Here it is again (2:40)) in case you want to watch it again). It is only within the context of a deep, meaningful relationship that Daniel can respond to Mr. Miyagi's counsel. Had it not been for the relationship, Daniel would not have been able to move past his fear, and become the best version of himself. The significance of what Mr. Miyagi says in Daniel's moment of fear increases in consideration of what Mr. Miyagi doesn't say. Here is the exchange:

"Mr. Miyagi, it's over. It's over. Forget about it."

"NO!"

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I want to go home."

"Cannot, cannot, must not! It's okay to lose to an opponent, must not lose to fear!"

"Yeah, well I'm afraid. I'm afraid of him, alright. What do you want me to do?"

"HAI! Daniel-san you stay focused. You best karate still inside, now time let out!"

Mr. Miyagi did not:

• Help Daniel up.
• Agree with Daniel's self-assessment
• Reinforce Daniel's fear.
• Deter from his belief in Daniel's potential.
• Pull Daniel off the mat.

Have you had someone like Mr. Miyagi in your life?

What did they do or not do that developed a meaningful relationship with you and helped you grow/learn/excel? It is easy to find motivation from the end of sappy movie that ends with the mentor and mentee embracing in a hug. But remember this scene?

Daniel's Training (3:42)*

Could you be Mr. Miyagi in your adolescent's life? Reflect back on what you value from your "Mr. Miyagis." Do you value only the celebratory hugs? Or also the firm "training?" I am of the belief that our adolescents need both, or they won't be prepared to defeat the fear they'll encounter on their journey onward. If Mr. Miyagi isn't doing it for you, how about more from Brené Brown? Similar to Mr. Miyagi, she encourages the conquering of fear in her book Daring Greatly, a book I would highly recommend. She offers some candid advice to help us become a "Mr. Miyagi" to our adolescent. Here are but a few of the gems from her book:

When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive-it turns parenting into a shame minefield. The real questions for parents should be: "are you engaged? Are you paying attention?” If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn’t exist, and I found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.—p. 15

We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all – there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.—pp. 72-73

You can’t claim to care about the welfare of children if you’re shaming other parents for the choices they are making. Those are mutually exclusive behaviors and we create a huge values gap. Yes, most of us (myself included) have strong opinions on every one of those topics, but if we really care about the broader welfare of children, our job is to make choices that are aligned with our values and support other parents who are doing the same. Our job is also to tend to her own worthiness. When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack . . .

In fact, I’ve sworn off the good bad parenting dichotomy simply because on any given day you could file me under both good parent and bad parent, depending on your perspective and how things are going for me. I just don’t see what value the judgment frame adds to our lives or to the larger parenting conversation. In fact, it’s a shame storm waiting to happen. To me the question of parenting values is about engagement. Are we paying attention? Thinking through our choices? Open to learning and being wrong? Curious and willing to ask questions?—p. 230

Before writing the section, I spread my data all over my dining room table and asked myself this question: What do you parents experience as the most vulnerable and bravest thing that they do in their efforts to raise Wholehearted children? I thought it would take days to figure out, but as I looked over the field notes, the answer was obvious:

letting their children struggle and experience adversity.

As I travel across the country there seems to be growing concern on the part of parents and teachers that children are not learning how to handle adversity or disappointment because we’r e always rescuing and protecting them. What’s interesting is that more often than not, I hear this concern from the same parents who are chronically intervening, rescuing, and protecting. It’s not that our children can’t stand the vulnerability of handling their own situations, it’s that we can’t stand the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, even when we know it’s the right thing to do.—p. 238 (my emphasis added).

A couple weekends ago, I was able to spend a weekend with one of my "Mr. Miyagis," as my father and I went to Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, NE to watch our beloved Huskers get their first victory of the season, taking down the Gophers of Minnesota. The last time I was at a Husker game with my dad, I was 10-years-old. We were able to spend the entire day together. The following weekend, I was able to take my oldest two sons back to the farm and help my dad harvest. Sitting next to Dad watching the Huskers take the field, or squeezing three generations into the cab of combine on a beautiful late October day is about as good as it gets; but equally important are the times my father provided training, let me deal with my fear, challenged me, and held high expectations of me. If he hadn't, I doubt the delicate times of Husker watching and corn picking would be as treasured. Let's equip our adolescents to defeat fear by providing both. I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply." Grant W. Willits 5-8 School Counselor (712)722-3783 (x2120) * The Karate Kid is rated PG, but this scene has some colorful language.

 

Being Perfect & The Exception to the "Sequel" Rule (October 16, 2018)

Being Perfect & The Exception to the "Sequel" Rule

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Four (4.2)

Good Afternoon-

This past Sunday, my older brother sent me and my sister the following text message:

​Had to choose between buying grumpy old men or grumpier old men.  Went with the second, for now.  Good decision?

I responded in the affirmative, as Grumpier Old Men is one of three* exceptions to the "sequel rule," (i.e. a film's sequel is never as good as it's original).

Before detailing further into the other exception, I wanted share about an interesting article I read about student anxiety. Student/adolescent anxiety is a growing concern (as evidenced by the fact the article was written in 2014). The article sheds light on one (of the many) reasons student/adolescent anxiety is increasing:

Anxiety can come from perfectionism. Perfectionists see mistakes as proof they are unworthy. Fear of failure may cause them to avoid a task entirely.  

Onto the other exception . . . Let me provide three hints to one of my all-time favorite films, watched enough times growing up to have the whole film memorized. See if you can guess it.

1. ​As previously stated, this movie is an exception to the "sequel rule."

2. I was born in 1983.  (Does that make me a millennial?)  

3. This movie is part two of a trilogy.

Any guesses? Here's a fourth hint:

        

        4. The original film in this trilogy is where the cult-classic quote, "Wax on . . . wax off" originates.

I will save my arguments for why The Karate Kid II is the exception to the “sequel rule" for another time and turn instead to The Karate Kid III. Did you even know there was a third rendition of the film? I am not referencing The Next Karate Kid (bad), nor the 2010 remake with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith (not as bad), but The Karate Kid III . . . as in part 3. I readily admit, The Karate Kid III is a horrible film, except for: 1)-the music, which is done by the same guy in all three films (Bill Conti, who is the same guy who composed the music in Rocky among many others); 2)-the mentor/mentee relationship between the main two characters; and 3)-the end, which not only consolidates points one and two, but offers wisdom applicable to the current discussion on perfectionism and anxiety. Here is the clip (disclaimer: the film is rated PG, but one colorful four letter word shows up in this scene four times):

The Karate Kid III end scene (2:40)

What Mr. Miyagi tells Daniel in his most stressful/painful moment is the same thing we need to tell our adolescents:

It’s okay to lose to an opponent.  You must not lose to fear.

The fear Mr. Miyagi is referencing is the same fear the article referenced above, which keeps (anxious) teens from engaging in tasks for fear they might fail.  This fearful non engagement is unhealthy for many reasons, but fundamentally, it keeps us from learning/growing. Here is what Seth Godin says about learning (i.e. failing) in this video clip (0:58):

The difficulty comes if you are not open with the tension of being stupid, you can’t possibly learn.

While not addressing it directly, I think Godin’s “not open[ness]” is fueled by the same fear of failure Mr. Miyagi is coaxing Daniel to defeat.

If Mr. Miyagi and Mr. Godin are not convincing enough, perhaps best-selling author Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey discussing the dangers of perfectionism (and its contradiction to the genuine pursuit of excellence) will sway you.

Brene Brown & Oprah on Perfectionism (4:49)

Let’s help our students defeat fear, embrace uncertainty, pursue excellence and abstain from being . . . perfect.

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712)722-3783 (x2120)

*The last exception has always been presented to me as fact, which I have never found contentious since the ​Godfather ​films (​The Godfather:  Part II ​​> ​​The Godfather​) were a little before my time. Karate Kid III.  Did you even know there was a third rendition of the film? 

Why Do They Act that Way? (October 8, 2018)

Why Do They Act that Way?  ​

Willits's Weekly Wonderings Three (4.3)

Good Afternoon-

For reasons I do not fully understand, I have a somewhat compulsive obsession with lists/ratings . . . not David Letterman's or anyone else's for that my matter, but my own.  For example, my friends are reminded often of our (my) "Top 5" weekends/trips/memories/experiences.  Most of these reminders come in the days leading up to another excursion/adventure/event, prompting inquisitorial predictions if the preceding activity will crack the "Top 5."  These lists serve no greater utility other than my own amusement and/or mental (dis)orderliness (e.g. I have a top ten list of songs by my favorite music group, the Goo Goo Dolls.  Here's # 3, # 2, and # 1).  Perhaps my lists are a result of my preference of numeracy in my ongoing pursuit of objective truth; or, perhaps I am a bit crazy.  My intent in (over)sharing all of this is to contextualize the following:

​​Why Do They Act That Way ​​​by David Walsh, PhD is in my all-time top 5 list of books.

In conjunction with a graduate class studying the adolescent brain, I read Dr. Walsh's book this summer.  Aside from the personal waffling above, there is not a strong enough endorsement of the book available.  You should all add it to your "to read" lists.  Or,

​come to Parent Academy tonight from 6:00-8:00.

I will be presenting on Dr. Walsh's book in addition to some other things I learned this summer about your adolescent's brain.  If you will not do the former, I hope it is preference to the latter.  If you chose neither, hopefully the following sample of excerpts from Dr. Walsh's book will result in your choosing one (my hope is the latter!).  Here are but a few of Dr. Walsh's nuggets:

The combination of a developing prefrontal cortex and raging hormones presents some of the biggest challenges in parenting. While we need to expect and tolerate some trying behavior from our teenage sons and daughters, we also need to provide the structure and discipline they need to keep their behavior from becoming destructive to the family, themselves, and others. —pp. 72-73 

Communicating with adolescents require a judicious balance.  If you jump down your teen’s throat every time she raises her voice, you’ll have a constant battle on your hands or, worse yet, you’ll effectively cut off communication altogether.  As parents, we need to let our kids have an outlet for their anger, up to a point. . . . We also need to let our adolescent know that they step over an important line when they swear or throw and break things.  We have to make it clear that we will not accept those behaviors.  The first step in preventing out-of-control behavior in our teens is modeling. –pp.88-89 

'I worked so hard to shield my daughter from stress that I did everything for her.  It almost became an obsession.  The worst part is that the more I protected her, the more anxious she seemed about even the smallest things.  By the time she got to middle school, we were both a wreck.' –p. 97

Young people need some stress to exercise their psychological muscles for resilience, stamina, perseverance, confidence, self-reliance, and diligence.  It’s okay for kids to feel bad sometimes.  Each time they recover from appropriate levels of stress, they get stronger and more responsive. . . .  As a result, many parents developed an allergic reaction to their kids’ unhappiness.  There is nothing wrong with being happy, but learning how to meet life’s challenges and disappointments is part of the important work of growing up. –pp. 98-99

Likewise, the Commission on Children at Risk, a group of prominent doctors, research scientists, and youth-serving professionals, named a lack of connectedness as a major contributor to deteriorating behavioral and mental health among youth in the United States.  Just because we know that connection is important for teens doesn’t mean that it is easy to cultivate it.  Though teens tell researchers that they want close relationships with their parents and rely on them for support, this comes as a great surprise to many of their parents.  It is normal for an adolescent to ask for a divorce from the family.  They are reluctant to go places or do things with their families.  They complain that they don’t have enough time with their friends.  But even though they’re asking, sometimes even screaming for a divorce, don’t give it to them. –p. 271

I hope to see many of you tonight!  Perhaps after, we can compare our “Top 10” book lists!

I love being your student's school counselor.  If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."

Grant W. Willits

5-8 School Counselor

(712) 722-3783 (x2120)