Why Do They Act that Way?
Willits's Weekly Wonderings Three (4.3)
Good Afternoon-
For reasons I do not fully understand, I have a somewhat compulsive obsession with lists/ratings . . . not David Letterman's or anyone else's for that my matter, but my own. For example, my friends are reminded often of our (my) "Top 5" weekends/trips/memories/experiences. Most of these reminders come in the days leading up to another excursion/adventure/event, prompting inquisitorial predictions if the preceding activity will crack the "Top 5." These lists serve no greater utility other than my own amusement and/or mental (dis)orderliness (e.g. I have a top ten list of songs by my favorite music group, the Goo Goo Dolls. Here's # 3, # 2, and # 1). Perhaps my lists are a result of my preference of numeracy in my ongoing pursuit of objective truth; or, perhaps I am a bit crazy. My intent in (over)sharing all of this is to contextualize the following:
Why Do They Act That Way by David Walsh, PhD is in my all-time top 5 list of books.
In conjunction with a graduate class studying the adolescent brain, I read Dr. Walsh's book this summer. Aside from the personal waffling above, there is not a strong enough endorsement of the book available. You should all add it to your "to read" lists. Or,
come to Parent Academy tonight from 6:00-8:00.
I will be presenting on Dr. Walsh's book in addition to some other things I learned this summer about your adolescent's brain. If you will not do the former, I hope it is preference to the latter. If you chose neither, hopefully the following sample of excerpts from Dr. Walsh's book will result in your choosing one (my hope is the latter!). Here are but a few of Dr. Walsh's nuggets:
The combination of a developing prefrontal cortex and raging hormones presents some of the biggest challenges in parenting. While we need to expect and tolerate some trying behavior from our teenage sons and daughters, we also need to provide the structure and discipline they need to keep their behavior from becoming destructive to the family, themselves, and others. —pp. 72-73
Communicating with adolescents require a judicious balance. If you jump down your teen’s throat every time she raises her voice, you’ll have a constant battle on your hands or, worse yet, you’ll effectively cut off communication altogether. As parents, we need to let our kids have an outlet for their anger, up to a point. . . . We also need to let our adolescent know that they step over an important line when they swear or throw and break things. We have to make it clear that we will not accept those behaviors. The first step in preventing out-of-control behavior in our teens is modeling. –pp.88-89
'I worked so hard to shield my daughter from stress that I did everything for her. It almost became an obsession. The worst part is that the more I protected her, the more anxious she seemed about even the smallest things. By the time she got to middle school, we were both a wreck.' –p. 97
Young people need some stress to exercise their psychological muscles for resilience, stamina, perseverance, confidence, self-reliance, and diligence. It’s okay for kids to feel bad sometimes. Each time they recover from appropriate levels of stress, they get stronger and more responsive. . . . As a result, many parents developed an allergic reaction to their kids’ unhappiness. There is nothing wrong with being happy, but learning how to meet life’s challenges and disappointments is part of the important work of growing up. –pp. 98-99
Likewise, the Commission on Children at Risk, a group of prominent doctors, research scientists, and youth-serving professionals, named a lack of connectedness as a major contributor to deteriorating behavioral and mental health among youth in the United States. Just because we know that connection is important for teens doesn’t mean that it is easy to cultivate it. Though teens tell researchers that they want close relationships with their parents and rely on them for support, this comes as a great surprise to many of their parents. It is normal for an adolescent to ask for a divorce from the family. They are reluctant to go places or do things with their families. They complain that they don’t have enough time with their friends. But even though they’re asking, sometimes even screaming for a divorce, don’t give it to them. –p. 271
I hope to see many of you tonight! Perhaps after, we can compare our “Top 10” book lists!
I love being your student's school counselor. If there is something you want me to know to do it better, please hit "reply."
Grant W. Willits
5-8 School Counselor
(712) 722-3783 (x2120)
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